Scene Detail
"He's probably quite charming when he's sober."
| From: Touched By A Handbag (or Highway To Handbag) | ||
| 3 Characters | ||
| Gender | Age | Character Name |
| Female | Adult: Any Age | BARTENDER / PERKY GIRL / MAX / BAR FLY |
| Either | Adult: Any Age | HANDBAG |
| Female | 20s | Young EDWINA |
| Setup: This is the beginning of the play. Read on... NOTE - Though it can be a stand-alone piece, this is associated with the short play "Touched By A Handbag." It is a prequel of sorts, showing a younger Edwina, the night before she confirms she is pregnant with the child who will grow up to be Paulina in "Touched By A Handbag." When doing the plays together, the actresses as Edwina and the Handbag could continue to play those roles, or Paulina from the one play could play her mother, the younger Edwina in this scene. Mix and match as you like. ********************************************** The full text of "Touched By A Handbag" and its related plays, including "Accessories" and "Dog Tag," are available for purchase as part of "Theatre Unbound's 24 Hour Play Project, Selected Plays, Volume 1" (in hard copy or download form) at http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/24-hour-play-project-volume-1/4941815 All proceeds from the sale of the "24 Hour Play" books go to support the work of Theatre Unbound - www.theatreunbound.com Part of Matthew's online script store http://stores.lulu.com/matthewaeverett | ||
Scene
copyright 2005 by Anne Bertram & Matthew A. Everett
ACCESSORIES
SCENE: A nightclub. New Wave Night. Twenty-five years ago.
AT RISE: ACTRESS, as BARTENDER, swabs the bar. Enter EDWINA with HANDBAG.
BARTENDER
What can I getcha?EDWINA
I want to celebrate.HANDBAG
I want to go home.EDWINA
What are my options?BARTENDER
There's celebrate, as in champagne. Celebrate, as in teeny paper umbrellas. Celebrate, as in five kamikazes. Am I getting close?EDWINA
I need to make this a night I'm going to remember for a very long time.HANDBAG
Really, you just want to forget.EDWINA
Is there anything wrong with that?BARTENDER
You talkin' to me?EDWINA
Uh...yes!BARTENDER
Nothing wrong with a body that a couple of stiff belts won't cure.HANDBAG
Or postpone for a while.EDWINA
You stay out of this.BARTENDER
Fine by me. Once I serve you, it's just you and the drinks.HANDBAG
And your conscience.BARTENDER
Just tell me what you want.HANDBAG
Hot cocoa.EDWINA
Double kamikaze.BARTENDER
Right up.She serves the drink, exits.
HANDBAG
"Dynasty" is on. And your roommate's in Grand Rapids. You can use her fuzzy bathrobe and she won't even know.EDWINA
"Live a little, Dweenie!"HANDBAG
OK. You're upset.EDWINA
"Live while you're alive!"HANDBAG
We could talk this over much more comfortably at home.EDWINA
"Live purple, Edwina! Sparkle like me! You know you want to!"HANDBAG
I don't think I said anything about abdicating all common sense while you were at it. You can live and not turn your brain off.EDWINA
Why don't you just sit there quietly and carry my spare change like any normal purse. That's the only reason you're here.HANDBAG
I'm carrying a lot more than spare change at the moment. And so are you.EDWINA
Shut up. You don't know that.Enter ACTRESS as PERKY GIRL.
PERKY GIRL
Oh my God that is such a cute purse!EDWINA
Want it? It's yours.PERKY GIRL
No way.EDWINA
I'm done with it.HANDBAG
Don't do this to me.PERKY GIRL
What about your stuff and stuff?EDWINA
All yours.PERKY GIRL
Oh my God!HANDBAG
You can't give the problem away and you know it.PERKY GIRL
(realization, admiring)
You're wasted.EDWINA
You're brilliant.EDWINA downs a kamikaze.
PERKY GIRL picks up HANDBAG.
HANDBAG
Psst. Party girl. Trust me. You don't want to get in the middle of this. Set the bag down and walk away.PERKY GIRL drops the HANDBAG.
HANDBAG (cont'd)
OK. Ow.PERKY GIRL
Sorry.HANDBAG
Shit happens.PERKY GIRL fakes seeing someone across the room.
PERKY GIRL
Gotta go, bye!EDWINA
I don't believe you.HANDBAG
Feeling's mutual.EDWINA
You talked to her.HANDBAG
And the likelihood of her remembering or believing that in the morning is -- ?EDWINA
You're not playing fair.HANDBAG
I'm not playing.EDWINA
What is it going to take?HANDBAG
You're not getting rid of me, or the problem, that easily.EDWINA
So one day I walk into Claire's feeling a little bit reckless. I see this gaudy purple purse that, I don't know, kinda speaks to me. The next thing I know my whole life is a wreck.HANDBAG
No it isn't.EDWINA downs another kamikaze.
HANDBAG (cont'd)
Yet.EDWINA
"Sparkle like me!"HANDBAG
Don't you dare order another.EDWINA
As if I could sparkle.HANDBAG
The road to perdition is paved with self-pity.EDWINA
As if anybody would ever see me as sparkling.HANDBAG
Self-fulfilling prophecy.Enter MAX FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC, an aging community theatre actor.
MAX
There you are.EDWINA and HANDBAG (in unison)
Oh my God.MAX
We missed you at the cast party. But I thought to myself, "I know where she is."EDWINA
Did you?HANDBAG
A regular rocket scientist, this one.MAX
I love your little prop. How do you get it to talk like that?EDWINA
Oh, you know. Just a little theatre magic.MAX
So, Paul, our fabulous Captain Von Trapp, was looking a little glum without you by his side.EDWINA
Oh I'm sure he's doing just fine. After all, every run ends eventually.MAX
Too true. But I thought, perhaps, the two of you might have a little - uh, shall we say - ?EDWINA
Let's not say.HANDBAG
I'll say.EDWINA
Girl's gotta have her secrets.HANDBAG
I'll say.MAX
Isn't it adorable?HANDBAG
Hey! Hands, buddy!EDWINA
Exit stage left, Max.MAX
Do you want to talk about it?EDWINA
No.MAX
I worry about you.EDWINA
Don't.MAX
I don't mean to pry.HANDBAG
HANDS OFF THE ZIPPER!EDWINA reclaims HANDBAG.
MAX
I'm here for you. That's all I wanted to say.EDWINA
Consider it said.MAX
I really do worry.EDWINA
I'm really OK.MAX
Come back with me. It's not a party without our Mother Superior.EDWINA retches. It's not an editorial comment. It's real nausea.
MAX casts around for a vomit receptacle for her. He settles on the handbag.
HANDBAG
Not the handbag, NOT THE HANDBAG!EDWINA manages not to puke, and once again reclaims her handbag.
MAX
If you're "really OK," I'm sixteen going on seventeen.EDWINA
I need to be alone, Max. Please.MAX
You're sure?HANDBAG
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!MAX exits, stage left.
HANDBAG (cont'd)
Well, it's a little late in the day for morning sickness, but --EDWINA
You're not funny. You've never been funny.HANDBAG
Are you going to call him?EDWINA
Max? Are you kidding?HANDBAG
You know who I mean.EDWINA
Yes. I know who you mean.HANDBAG
And yes, you're going to call him?EDWINA
What would be the point?HANDBAG
He might want to know.EDWINA
There's nothing to know.HANDBAG
Yet. I've got a pregnancy test tucked away in here. You just have to crack open the box and use it. Then you and Paul might have plenty to talk about.EDWINA
Is there something wrong with not wanting to deal with it? Just for tonight?A BAR FLY shambles in and plops down on a bar stool.
HANDBAG
No, just as long as it doesn't become a habit.EDWINA
Ha. Ha.HANDBAG
Sorry. Mother Superior joke. You know I had to go there.BAR FLY
Seen you. Before. Somewhere?HANDBAG
Hoo boy. You're a magnet tonight.BAR FLY
Buy drink?EDWINA
I'm pacing myself.BAR FLY
You. Buy me.HANDBAG
We were just leaving.BAR FLY
Whoa.EDWINA
Sorry.BAR FLY
Talking purse.HANDBAG
Just. Leaving.EDWINA signals for the bartender.
The bartender is evidently very busy at the other end of the bar.
BAR FLY
Thanks. Trying.EDWINA
No problem.BAR FLY
So.EDWINA
So.BAR FLY
Talking purse.EDWINA
Talking purse.BAR FLY
Rough night?EDWINA
(confirming)
Rough night.EDWINA tries signaling the bartender again.
BAR FLY
Busy.HANDBAG
Leaving.BAR FLY
Bossy.EDWINA
I like you.BAR FLY
I like you. Pretty girl.EDWINA bursts into tears.
BAR FLY (cont'd)
Oh. Naw, don't. Uh. Pretty girl. See? Talking purse. Ha ha ha! Talking purse!This is, strangely, no comfort.
(there's more, but the conclusion of the story isn't available for viewing on this website)
copyright 2005 by Anne Bertram & Matthew A. Everett
