Scene Detail

"Oh, that's right, even ELVIS WON'T MARRY US! And he'll marry anyone! We should probably that as a hint, don't you think?!"

From: But Not For Love
6 Characters
Gender Age Character Name
Male 40s DUKE
Female 40s DUCHESS
Male 30s ROLAND
Male 30s EPHRAM
Female 30s ELEANOR
Male 30s PATRICK
 
Setup:
Eleanor and Ephram, sister and brother, are both getting married on the same day. And they're each getting married to a man. With protesters, policemen and a TV news crew outside the church, inside the couples are split over what their day and their ceremony should mean, to themselves or anyone else.

Patrick, Ephram's groom, agrees with Eleanor that they all need to make a statement by getting married. But Roland, Eleanor's groom, and Ephram both just want a simple ceremony and a quiet day.

Duke, a policeman helping with crowd control of the protesters, came in when a rock was thrown through the stained glass window of the church. He has since taken a liking to the female minister performing the ceremony, the Duchess. What he doesn't yet know, but the couples do, is that the Duchess used to be a man before her gender reassignment surgery years ago.

Just as it seems the beleaguered ceremony may go ahead after all, during the wedding processional, a protester outside throws another rock through the stained glass window of the church, hitting Ephram

(To track Ephram through the events of the day up to this point, you can look at the scenes with the following tag quotes...

- "There's not an ounce of romance in any one of you, is there?"

- "It's just -- the way things are going, I keep waiting for the midgets or a dancing bear to show up."

- "Ephram and I would trade places with you and Eleanor in a second. Especially Ephram. You have no idea how much he longs to be invisible right now."

- "Something blue.")

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Scene

copyright 2006 by Matthew A. Everett


The church sanctuary.

The shattered stained glass window.

Another rock on the floor.

EPHRAM lies near it, bleeding from the head.

PATRICK on his knees next to him.

DUCHESS and ELEANOR nearby.


PATRICK

Ephram, honey. Please, baby. E, c'mon.

ELEANOR

Where is the bastard?!

DUCHESS

The officer said to wait here.

PATRICK

There's so much blood.

ELEANOR

I don't care if this is a good dress, I'll pummel the son of a bitch.

ROLAND enters at a run with a first aid kit.


PATRICK

It won't stop.

ROLAND

Head wounds bleed more than... non-head wounds.

DUCHESS

I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks.

PATRICK

Well, that's good, 'cause it looks really bad.

ROLAND

He's breathing. That's good.

PATRICK

What's in there?

ROLAND

Like most first aid kits, all tape, no gauze. Not even a band aid.

ELEANOR

You need to put pressure on it, with...something.

ROLAND

Open to suggestion.

PATRICK

Fuck it.

PATRICK shucks off his tux jacket and starts to unbutton his shirt.

The DUCHESS steps forward and removes her rainbow stole from around her neck, kneeling to press it to EPHRAM's head.

PATRICK looks at her.


DUCHESS

It's just cloth. If it makes you feel better, I'll send you the dry cleaning bill. Hold it tight. You know better than anyone, he won't break.

DUKE enters, with medical gloves on.


ELEANOR

Did you get the asshole?

DUKE

We got him.

ELEANOR

Witnesses?

DUKE

Plenty.

ELEANOR

Things are looking up.

DUKE

How is he?

PATRICK

We don't know.

PATRICK sees the gloves.


PATRICK (cont'd)

Are you kidding me?

DUKE

What?

PATRICK

We don't all have AIDS, you know.

DUKE

I wear these when I come into contact with *anyone* who's bleeding.

PATRICK

Well, you don't have to come into contact with him. Relax.

DUKE

Fine. I'm sorry this upsets you, but it's procedure.
I called for an ambulance.

ROLAND

The guests. Should we...?

DUKE

No one should leave til we get this cleared up.

DUCHESS

But we might want to move them to a room further from the street.

ROLAND

And keep them away from the windows.

DUKE

Care to help me herd the crowd?

ROLAND

Sure.

DUKE

You'll be OK?

DUCHESS

Yes, officer. Thank you for asking. I'm more worried about him right now.

DUKE

Be right back.

ROLAND

Be right back.

ROLAND kisses ELEANOR.

ELEANOR clutches him and kisses him more fiercely.


ROLAND (cont'd)

Right. back.

ROLAND stumbles out after DUKE to work on crowd control.


PATRICK

Come on, sweetie. Please. Happy to hear "I told you so." Anything you wanna sling at me. Just please open your eyes.

PATRICK kisses EPHRAM.

EPHRAM's eyes flutter open.


ELEANOR

Thank God.

DUCHESS

Amen.

PATRICK

Hey.

EPHRAM

Hey.

PATRICK

Welcome back.

EPHRAM

I'm not in heaven, and I'm not married, am I?

PATRICK

Nope. But we can take care of that second one if you still want.

EPHRAM

You mean like someone just tried to take care of the first one?

Another pool of light appears, where DUKE and ROLAND are directing guest traffic.


ROLAND

They wouldn't even let us get through the ceremony.

ELEANOR

Don't move around too much.

ROLAND

Heck, we didn't even get started.
I'm worrying about walking out of the church, taking pictures, the reception. They wouldn't even let us get through the ceremony. Who does that?

EPHRAM

Are you both willing to admit now that this was a bad idea?

PATRICK

Not getting married. No.

EPHRAM

How about the church? The protesters? The police? The news crew?!

DUKE

She seems like a remarkable woman.

ROLAND

Eleanor? Yeah, I'm a lucky guy. Days like this I need to keep reminding myself of that but --

DUKE

I meant the minister, the Duchess.

ROLAND

Oh. Oh! Really?

DUKE

Not that your bride isn't also impressive.

ROLAND

Yeah.

ELEANOR

Just sit still. An ambulance is on its way. They'll check you out and then we can --

EPHRAM

Well, I certainly know how to clear a room. Where the heck did all the guests go?

ROLAND

You think the ushers have this? I wanna go back and see how he's --

DUKE

Sure. Of course. Go back. I can handle this.

PATRICK

They're still here. They're just in another room. We can --

EPHRAM

Oh, you mean a safe room?! One that isn't a crime scene?!

ROLAND

Are those gloves a pain in the ass?

DUKE

Yes.

ROLAND

I thought they might be.

DUKE

Go check on your friend. I'll be fine. I've got gloves on.

ROLAND goes.
DUKE fades into the darkness.


ELEANOR

Ephram, just settle down.

EPHRAM

I just got brained with a rock. I think I get to decide what I can be upset about, thank you very much.

ELEANOR

I'm just thinking of you.

EPHRAM

Really? That'd be a first today.

ELEANOR

You're not being fair.

EPHRAM

Fair? Where's your groom anyway?

ROLAND returns.


ROLAND

Present and accounted for. Good to see you sitting up again.

EPHRAM

Thanks. I was just telling my sister here that we might have wanted to give more thought to that "simple ceremony on private property" idea she dismissed so quickly.

DUKE returns.


DUKE

The ushers seem to have it all under control.

EPHRAM

Well, there's a welcome change.

DUKE

Well, hello there, sleeping beauty. Good to see you conscious.

EPHRAM

Gloves. That's priceless.

DUKE

I explained --

EPHRAM

Standard operating procedure. No worries. Just a hint, they don't match your outfit.

DUKE

You're obviously feeling better.

EPHRAM

Justice of the peace is looking pretty good right now, huh?

PATRICK

Let us take care of you.

EPHRAM

You just keep handing me the setup lines, don't you?

PATRICK

I'm sorry, E. None of us ever intended --

EPHRAM

They at least get the rock chucker on tape? They probably still have time to make the 6 o'clock news, right?

PATRICK

It's going to be OK.

EPHRAM

Really? Aren't you the optimist.

PATRICK

You're alive. That's all I care about.

EPHRAM

So now we can elope? Run off to Vegas and let Elvis marry us? Oh, that's right, even ELVIS WON'T MARRY US! And he'll marry anyone! We should probably take that as a hint, don't you think?!

PATRICK

You have every right to be angry.

EPHRAM

You're damn right I do. I'm sick of being your scarecrow. Both of you! Prop me up, spook the townspeople with something they don't understand. And then, instead of trying to set them at ease, help them comprehend, you just stage a stunt. Paint a target on my forehead, why don't you? Hand out firearms and pitchforks and torches. Shove me out the front door, bleeding. That'll get 'em going.

DUKE

Ambulance should be here any minute.

EPHRAM

You do know she used to be a dude, right?

DUKE

Your sister?

EPHRAM

No. Guess again.
Surprise!

PATRICK

Don't get up.

EPHRAM

I need a moment. Away from you. All of you. Cluck over the broken glass or something and let me know when my ambulance gets here.

PATRICK

Ephram --

EPHRAM

Don't touch me!

EPHRAM staggers off, holding the Duchess' stole to his head wound, trailing it behind him or wrapping it over his shoulder.

PATRICK stands, frozen.

ELEANOR starts to follow, but ROLAND stops her.


ROLAND

Let me?

ELEANOR

Maybe he'll listen to you.

ROLAND goes.


ELEANOR (cont'd)

C'mon, Patrick. Let's check on the guests.

ELEANOR steers a stunned PATRICK off toward the room where the guests are sequestered.

DUKE turns to the DUCHESS.


DUKE

He meant -- ?

DUCHESS

Me. Yes.

Pause.


DUCHESS (cont'd)

This is the part that always makes it hard to get that first date.

DUKE is silent.





copyright 2006 by Matthew A. Everett

© Matthew A Everett
matthewaeverett.com