"Oh, that's right, even ELVIS WON'T MARRY US! And he'll marry anyone! We should probably that as a hint, don't you think?!"
|From: But Not For Love|
Eleanor and Ephram, sister and brother, are both getting married on the same day. And they're each getting married to a man. With protesters, policemen and a TV news crew outside the church, inside the couples are split over what their day and their ceremony should mean, to themselves or anyone else.
Patrick, Ephram's groom, agrees with Eleanor that they all need to make a statement by getting married. But Roland, Eleanor's groom, and Ephram both just want a simple ceremony and a quiet day.
Duke, a policeman helping with crowd control of the protesters, came in when a rock was thrown through the stained glass window of the church. He has since taken a liking to the female minister performing the ceremony, the Duchess. What he doesn't yet know, but the couples do, is that the Duchess used to be a man before her gender reassignment surgery years ago.
Just as it seems the beleaguered ceremony may go ahead after all, during the wedding processional, a protester outside throws another rock through the stained glass window of the church, hitting Ephram
(To track Ephram through the events of the day up to this point, you can look at the scenes with the following tag quotes...
- "There's not an ounce of romance in any one of you, is there?"
- "It's just -- the way things are going, I keep waiting for the midgets or a dancing bear to show up."
- "Ephram and I would trade places with you and Eleanor in a second. Especially Ephram. You have no idea how much he longs to be invisible right now."
- "Something blue.")
The full script is available in paperback
as a pdf download
or as a digital download here (or on iTunes)
part of Matthew's online script store
copyright 2006 by Matthew A. Everett
The church sanctuary.
The shattered stained glass window.
Another rock on the floor.
EPHRAM lies near it, bleeding from the head.
PATRICK on his knees next to him.
DUCHESS and ELEANOR nearby.
PATRICKEphram, honey. Please, baby. E, c'mon.
ELEANORWhere is the bastard?!
DUCHESSThe officer said to wait here.
PATRICKThere's so much blood.
ELEANORI don't care if this is a good dress, I'll pummel the son of a bitch.
ROLAND enters at a run with a first aid kit.
PATRICKIt won't stop.
ROLANDHead wounds bleed more than... non-head wounds.
DUCHESSI'm sure it's not as bad as it looks.
PATRICKWell, that's good, 'cause it looks really bad.
ROLANDHe's breathing. That's good.
PATRICKWhat's in there?
ROLANDLike most first aid kits, all tape, no gauze. Not even a band aid.
ELEANORYou need to put pressure on it, with...something.
ROLANDOpen to suggestion.
PATRICK shucks off his tux jacket and starts to unbutton his shirt.
The DUCHESS steps forward and removes her rainbow stole from around her neck, kneeling to press it to EPHRAM's head.
PATRICK looks at her.
DUCHESSIt's just cloth. If it makes you feel better, I'll send you the dry cleaning bill. Hold it tight. You know better than anyone, he won't break.
DUKE enters, with medical gloves on.
ELEANORDid you get the asshole?
DUKEWe got him.
ELEANORThings are looking up.
DUKEHow is he?
PATRICKWe don't know.
PATRICK sees the gloves.
PATRICK (cont'd)Are you kidding me?
PATRICKWe don't all have AIDS, you know.
DUKEI wear these when I come into contact with *anyone* who's bleeding.
PATRICKWell, you don't have to come into contact with him. Relax.
DUKEFine. I'm sorry this upsets you, but it's procedure.
I called for an ambulance.
ROLANDThe guests. Should we...?
DUKENo one should leave til we get this cleared up.
DUCHESSBut we might want to move them to a room further from the street.
ROLANDAnd keep them away from the windows.
DUKECare to help me herd the crowd?
DUKEYou'll be OK?
DUCHESSYes, officer. Thank you for asking. I'm more worried about him right now.
DUKEBe right back.
ROLANDBe right back.
ROLAND kisses ELEANOR.
ELEANOR clutches him and kisses him more fiercely.
ROLAND (cont'd)Right. back.
ROLAND stumbles out after DUKE to work on crowd control.
PATRICKCome on, sweetie. Please. Happy to hear "I told you so." Anything you wanna sling at me. Just please open your eyes.
PATRICK kisses EPHRAM.
EPHRAM's eyes flutter open.
EPHRAMI'm not in heaven, and I'm not married, am I?
PATRICKNope. But we can take care of that second one if you still want.
EPHRAMYou mean like someone just tried to take care of the first one?
Another pool of light appears, where DUKE and ROLAND are directing guest traffic.
ROLANDThey wouldn't even let us get through the ceremony.
ELEANORDon't move around too much.
ROLANDHeck, we didn't even get started.
I'm worrying about walking out of the church, taking pictures, the reception. They wouldn't even let us get through the ceremony. Who does that?
EPHRAMAre you both willing to admit now that this was a bad idea?
PATRICKNot getting married. No.
EPHRAMHow about the church? The protesters? The police? The news crew?!
DUKEShe seems like a remarkable woman.
ROLANDEleanor? Yeah, I'm a lucky guy. Days like this I need to keep reminding myself of that but --
DUKEI meant the minister, the Duchess.
ROLANDOh. Oh! Really?
DUKENot that your bride isn't also impressive.
ELEANORJust sit still. An ambulance is on its way. They'll check you out and then we can --
EPHRAMWell, I certainly know how to clear a room. Where the heck did all the guests go?
ROLANDYou think the ushers have this? I wanna go back and see how he's --
DUKESure. Of course. Go back. I can handle this.
PATRICKThey're still here. They're just in another room. We can --
EPHRAMOh, you mean a safe room?! One that isn't a crime scene?!
ROLANDAre those gloves a pain in the ass?
ROLANDI thought they might be.
DUKEGo check on your friend. I'll be fine. I've got gloves on.
DUKE fades into the darkness.
ELEANOREphram, just settle down.
EPHRAMI just got brained with a rock. I think I get to decide what I can be upset about, thank you very much.
ELEANORI'm just thinking of you.
EPHRAMReally? That'd be a first today.
ELEANORYou're not being fair.
EPHRAMFair? Where's your groom anyway?
ROLANDPresent and accounted for. Good to see you sitting up again.
EPHRAMThanks. I was just telling my sister here that we might have wanted to give more thought to that "simple ceremony on private property" idea she dismissed so quickly.
DUKEThe ushers seem to have it all under control.
EPHRAMWell, there's a welcome change.
DUKEWell, hello there, sleeping beauty. Good to see you conscious.
EPHRAMGloves. That's priceless.
DUKEI explained --
EPHRAMStandard operating procedure. No worries. Just a hint, they don't match your outfit.
DUKEYou're obviously feeling better.
EPHRAMJustice of the peace is looking pretty good right now, huh?
PATRICKLet us take care of you.
EPHRAMYou just keep handing me the setup lines, don't you?
PATRICKI'm sorry, E. None of us ever intended --
EPHRAMThey at least get the rock chucker on tape? They probably still have time to make the 6 o'clock news, right?
PATRICKIt's going to be OK.
EPHRAMReally? Aren't you the optimist.
PATRICKYou're alive. That's all I care about.
EPHRAMSo now we can elope? Run off to Vegas and let Elvis marry us? Oh, that's right, even ELVIS WON'T MARRY US! And he'll marry anyone! We should probably take that as a hint, don't you think?!
PATRICKYou have every right to be angry.
EPHRAMYou're damn right I do. I'm sick of being your scarecrow. Both of you! Prop me up, spook the townspeople with something they don't understand. And then, instead of trying to set them at ease, help them comprehend, you just stage a stunt. Paint a target on my forehead, why don't you? Hand out firearms and pitchforks and torches. Shove me out the front door, bleeding. That'll get 'em going.
DUKEAmbulance should be here any minute.
EPHRAMYou do know she used to be a dude, right?
EPHRAMNo. Guess again.
PATRICKDon't get up.
EPHRAMI need a moment. Away from you. All of you. Cluck over the broken glass or something and let me know when my ambulance gets here.
EPHRAMDon't touch me!
EPHRAM staggers off, holding the Duchess' stole to his head wound, trailing it behind him or wrapping it over his shoulder.
PATRICK stands, frozen.
ELEANOR starts to follow, but ROLAND stops her.
ELEANORMaybe he'll listen to you.
ELEANOR (cont'd)C'mon, Patrick. Let's check on the guests.
ELEANOR steers a stunned PATRICK off toward the room where the guests are sequestered.
DUKE turns to the DUCHESS.
DUKEHe meant -- ?
DUCHESS (cont'd)This is the part that always makes it hard to get that first date.
DUKE is silent.
copyright 2006 by Matthew A. Everett