Oh, Im sorry. I didnt mean to offend you. As a person of fur. Werewolf can be such a pejorative term.
|From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||TERRY|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||GLENN|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||THIRD ACTOR (3)|
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.
Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.
(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)
Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.
In this scene, Terry is meeting another potential suitor, Dana, who they found online through the werewolf dating website, at the restaurant. Dana really wants to be a werewolf themselves, and is wearing fake furry werewolf paws. Zombie Glenn is their waiter.
The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett
3 enters from another direction than Jamie ran off, this time as DANA, another suitor, with fake furry hands.
TERRY takes one look at 3 (DANA) and...
TERRYYou have got to be kidding me.
3 (DANA)I am so happy to meet you.
TERRYTake those fake paws off.
3 (DANA)Oh, Im sorry. I didnt mean to offend you. As a person of fur.
TERRYPerson of fur.
3 (DANA)Werewolf can be such a pejorative term. Though I suppose over time we can take it back, just like gay people reclaimed the word queer and African Americans took
3 (DANA)I am so excited, even just to meet another of my kindred.
Look, buddy, I dont have time for gag dates so...
3 (DANA)No, no, no. No gag, I swear.
TERRYThey look ridiculous.
3 (DANA)Again, I apologize. I use them to acclimate to the person I will one day become.
3 (DANA)When you bite me.
3 (DANA)You have to bite me.
TERRYNo, I really dont.
3 (DANA)I want to join you. In the [brother/sister]hood.
TERRYThere is no [brother/sister]hood.
3 (DANA)Of course there is. And I want to be part of that. To belong. To be unique.
TERRYNobody wants this, trust me.
3 (DANA)I do.
TERRYThen you dont really know what it is.
You are stuck with it. For life.
You are a danger to yourself and others.
Anyone you want to be intimate with - you have to tell them, because they could get stuck with it, too.
Its why we have to resort to websites, to weed out all the people that have no tolerance for risk.
3 (DANA)But thats why Im the ideal mate for you. I welcome it. I desire the gift you have for me in your blood. Share it with me.
TERRYDo us both a favor. Take your furry rubber hands and get lost.
3 (DANA)You dont mean that.
TERRYYou want to talk to my friend here about it?
3 (DANA)Uh --
TERRYGo. Now. While you still have a head start.
3 (DANA)Just a nibble.
TERRYNot even if you were the last uninfected person on earth. This ends with me. Its the only thing I have control over.
3 (DANA)A tiny scratch?
TERRYMy friend dismembers before [he/she] eats. Did I mention that?
GLENN lurches forward,
toward 3 (DANA).
3 (DANA)Heres my card.
GLENN lurches forward again.
TERRYGit along, little doaggie.
3 (DANA)Call me!
3 (DANA) retreats.
TERRYIm starting to wonder if people accumulate so much baggage that at a certain point they cant even move anymore.
GLENNMaybe you should get out of the restaurant.
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett