Being a werewolf is mysterious, dangerous, and even a little sexy. Herpes is just sad.
|From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||THIRD ACTOR (3)|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||TERRY|
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.
Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.
(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)
Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.
The following is the scene where Terry first gets their diagnosis. The actor playing 3 in this scene takes on the role of Terry's Doctor.
The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett
3, in a white lab coat, is now someone completely different - Terrys DOCTOR.
3 [DOCTOR] whips out a clipboard or medical file with which to continue the discussion.
TERRYYoure certain about this?
3 (DOCTOR)I did a test.
TERRYTheres a test?
3 (DOCTOR)A new test.
TERRYMaybe it was wrong.
3 (DOCTOR)I did it four times.
Going back, actually I meant how did I -- ?
3 (DOCTOR)Were you attacked by a werewolf?
3 (DOCTOR)Are you sure?
TERRYI think Id remember.
3 (DOCTOR)Maybe attack is too strong a word. Bitten?
TERRYBy a werewolf?
3 (DOCTOR)By anyone.
TERRYIm not in high school.
3 (DOCTOR)Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.
TERRYMaybe every now and then.
3 (DOCTOR)Draw blood?
TERRYNot rivers of it.
3 (DOCTOR)Just a trickle. All it takes.
TERRYBut I dont remember fangs or claws or hair, well, not a lot of hair anyway.
3 (DOCTOR)Thats the problem with latent lycanthropy.
3 (DOCTOR)Werewolf. Technical term.
A lot of people have it and dont even know it.
3 (DOCTOR)Like you. A carrier.
You told me to test for everything.
TERRYBut I didnt think werewolf was on the menu.
3 (DOCTOR)It is once the pharmaceutical companies come up with a new drug.
TERRYTheres a drug?
3 (DOCTOR)Its not that good.
TERRYBut does it make it go away?
3 (DOCTOR)Once youve got it, youre stuck with it. Sort of like herpes.
3 (DOCTOR)And AIDS.
3 (DOCTOR)Except its not fatal. So I guess its more like herpes.
TERRYIf you cant cure it, why test?
3 (DOCTOR)The drug companies need to know who to market their product to.
TERRYI wish I had herpes.
3 (DOCTOR)No, you dont.
3 (DOCTOR)Being a werewolf is mysterious, dangerous, and even a little sexy. Herpes is just sad.
TERRYThats not very nice.
3 (DOCTOR)Its true.
TERRYHow would you know?
3 (DOCTOR)I have herpes.
3 (DOCTOR)Latent lycanthropy can be spread through sexual contact.
TERRYEven if I dont break the skin?
3 (DOCTOR)The only way to be sure not to give it to somebody else...
TERRYis not to have sex with them.
And youll need to inform all your sexual partners.
TERRYAll my sexual partners.
3 (DOCTOR)We have no idea when you got this.
TERRYBecause there wasnt a test.
3 (DOCTOR)It could have been 20 years ago, it could have been last week.
TERRYIt couldnt have been last week.
3 (DOCTOR)Why not?
TERRYBecause I havent had sex in over two years.
TERRYKeep going, youre making me feel so much better about it.
3 (DOCTOR)Thats too bad.
TERRYI thought so, too.
3 (DOCTOR)Then youll just have to notify everyone going forward.
TERRYWhat if Im just really, really careful?
3 (DOCTOR)You still have to tell them.
In fact, Im going to put a little note here in your file saying that I told you to tell them.
TERRYYoure inoculating yourself against a future potential lawsuit?
As long as I can prove I gave you the advice, its not my fault if you didnt take it.
TERRYBut then no one will have sex with me.
3 (DOCTOR)No ones having sex with you anyway.
3 (DOCTOR)Two years is a hell of a dry spell.
TERRYI thought I might be coming out on the other side of it finally.
3 (DOCTOR)You are. As a werewolf.
3 (DOCTOR)You can still pass it on.
TERRYDoes the drug block transmission?
3 (DOCTOR)In most cases.
3 (DOCTOR)No, not really. Its expensive, but its not really that effective yet.
TERRYMy nails, teeth and hair arent --
3 (DOCTOR)-- arent that exceptional, I know.
3 (DOCTOR)Thats why they call it latent. You dont look like you have it. Nobody knows.
TERRYSo whats the harm?
3 (DOCTOR)Theyll hate you.
TERRYBut Ill get laid.
3 (DOCTOR)Not at the rate youre going.
3 (DOCTOR)Say you do get laid, and they wolf out? Theyll hate you. Even if they dont get it but they find out you knew and didnt tell them, theyll hate you. On the other hand, if you tell them beforehand...
TERRYThey wont sleep with me.
3 (DOCTOR)Probably not. But they wont hate you. Theyll just pity you.
3 (DOCTOR)You dont have the luxury of being spontaneous anymore.
TERRYRemember when sex used to be fun?
3 (DOCTOR)I have herpes. So, no. Its been a while.
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett