Scene Detail

Being a werewolf is mysterious, dangerous, and even a little sexy. Herpes is just sad.

From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue
2 Characters
Gender Age Character Name
Either Adult: Any Age THIRD ACTOR (3)
Either Adult: Any Age TERRY
 
Setup:
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.

Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.

(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)

Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)

Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.

The following is the scene where Terry first gets their diagnosis. The actor playing 3 in this scene takes on the role of Terry's Doctor.

The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
 

Scene

Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett




3, in a white lab coat, is now someone completely different - Terrys DOCTOR.

3 [DOCTOR] whips out a clipboard or medical file with which to continue the discussion.


3 (DOCTOR)

Werewolf!

TERRY

Werewolf?

3 (DOCTOR)

Werewolf.

TERRY

Youre certain about this?

3 (DOCTOR)

Absolutely.

TERRY

How?

3 (DOCTOR)

I did a test.

TERRY

Theres a test?

3 (DOCTOR)

A new test.

TERRY

Maybe it was wrong.

3 (DOCTOR)

I did it four times.

TERRY

Oh.
Going back, actually I meant how did I -- ?

3 (DOCTOR)

Were you attacked by a werewolf?

TERRY

No.

3 (DOCTOR)

Are you sure?

TERRY

I think Id remember.

3 (DOCTOR)

Maybe attack is too strong a word. Bitten?

TERRY

By a werewolf?

3 (DOCTOR)

By anyone.

TERRY

No.

3 (DOCTOR)

Nibbled?

TERRY

Sometimes.

3 (DOCTOR)

Hickey?

TERRY

Im not in high school.

3 (DOCTOR)

Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.

TERRY

Maybe every now and then.

3 (DOCTOR)

Draw blood?

TERRY

Not rivers of it.

3 (DOCTOR)

Just a trickle. All it takes.

TERRY

But I dont remember fangs or claws or hair, well, not a lot of hair anyway.

3 (DOCTOR)

Thats the problem with latent lycanthropy.

TERRY

Latent lycanthropy.

3 (DOCTOR)

Werewolf. Technical term.
A lot of people have it and dont even know it.

TERRY

Like me?

3 (DOCTOR)

Like you. A carrier.
You told me to test for everything.

TERRY

But I didnt think werewolf was on the menu.

3 (DOCTOR)

It is once the pharmaceutical companies come up with a new drug.

TERRY

Theres a drug?

3 (DOCTOR)

Its not that good.

TERRY

But does it make it go away?

3 (DOCTOR)

No.

TERRY

Oh.

3 (DOCTOR)

Once youve got it, youre stuck with it. Sort of like herpes.

TERRY

Herpes?

3 (DOCTOR)

And AIDS.

TERRY

AIDS?!

3 (DOCTOR)

Except its not fatal. So I guess its more like herpes.

TERRY

If you cant cure it, why test?

3 (DOCTOR)

The drug companies need to know who to market their product to.

TERRY

I wish I had herpes.

3 (DOCTOR)

No, you dont.

TERRY

Why not?

3 (DOCTOR)

Being a werewolf is mysterious, dangerous, and even a little sexy. Herpes is just sad.

TERRY

Thats not very nice.

3 (DOCTOR)

Its true.

TERRY

How would you know?

3 (DOCTOR)

I have herpes.

TERRY

Oh.

3 (DOCTOR)

Latent lycanthropy can be spread through sexual contact.

TERRY

Even if I dont break the skin?

3 (DOCTOR)

The only way to be sure not to give it to somebody else...

TERRY

is not to have sex with them.

3 (DOCTOR)

Exactly.
And youll need to inform all your sexual partners.

TERRY

All my sexual partners.

3 (DOCTOR)

We have no idea when you got this.

TERRY

Because there wasnt a test.

3 (DOCTOR)

It could have been 20 years ago, it could have been last week.

TERRY

It couldnt have been last week.

3 (DOCTOR)

Why not?

TERRY

Because I havent had sex in over two years.

3 (DOCTOR)

Really?

TERRY

Keep going, youre making me feel so much better about it.

3 (DOCTOR)

Thats too bad.

TERRY

I thought so, too.

3 (DOCTOR)

Then youll just have to notify everyone going forward.

TERRY

What if Im just really, really careful?

3 (DOCTOR)

You still have to tell them.
In fact, Im going to put a little note here in your file saying that I told you to tell them.

TERRY

Youre inoculating yourself against a future potential lawsuit?

3 (DOCTOR)

Yup.
As long as I can prove I gave you the advice, its not my fault if you didnt take it.

TERRY

But then no one will have sex with me.

3 (DOCTOR)

No ones having sex with you anyway.

TERRY

Hey.

3 (DOCTOR)

Two years is a hell of a dry spell.

TERRY

I thought I might be coming out on the other side of it finally.

3 (DOCTOR)

You are. As a werewolf.

TERRY

Latent werewolf.

3 (DOCTOR)

You can still pass it on.

TERRY

Does the drug block transmission?

3 (DOCTOR)

In most cases.

TERRY

Really?

3 (DOCTOR)

No, not really. Its expensive, but its not really that effective yet.

TERRY

My nails, teeth and hair arent --

3 (DOCTOR)

-- arent that exceptional, I know.

TERRY

Hey.

3 (DOCTOR)

Thats why they call it latent. You dont look like you have it. Nobody knows.

TERRY

So whats the harm?

3 (DOCTOR)

Theyll hate you.

TERRY

But Ill get laid.

3 (DOCTOR)

Not at the rate youre going.

TERRY

Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.

3 (DOCTOR)

Say you do get laid, and they wolf out? Theyll hate you. Even if they dont get it but they find out you knew and didnt tell them, theyll hate you. On the other hand, if you tell them beforehand...

TERRY

They wont sleep with me.

3 (DOCTOR)

Probably not. But they wont hate you. Theyll just pity you.

TERRY

Great.

3 (DOCTOR)

You dont have the luxury of being spontaneous anymore.

TERRY

Remember when sex used to be fun?

3 (DOCTOR)

I have herpes. So, no. Its been a while.






Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett

© Matthew A Everett
matthewaeverett.com