Its not anything you did or didnt do, you know. Get over yourself.
|From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||TERRY|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||GLENN|
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.
Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.
(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)
Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.
In the following scene Terry has just watched a potential date make a hasty exit after learning that Terry is a carrier of the werewolf virus (and it's spread through sexual contact). In the midst of the revelation, Terry was reminded of their visit to the doctor where they received the diagnosis - and the actor playing the date also played the doctor for the flashback. Glenn, a zombie who is also a waiter, has been slowly approaching the table for a while and is at last reaching Terry.
The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett
TERRY watches Robin go.
GLENN has at last arrived at the table behind TERRY.
GLENNDo you think that all your -- ?
TERRY, startled, screams.
TERRYDont. Do! That.
GLENNHow is it that I surprise you? It takes me forever to get anywhere.
TERRYYou were saying?
GLENNWhen you screamed?
GLENNDo you think that all your dates now will just end up reminding you of your doctor?
TERRYWell, the doctor is my own little medical Jiminy Cricket.
GLENNYou cant let being a werewolf --
GLENNLatent werewolf, define you.
TERRYThanks, Zombie Glenn. Ill keep that in mind.
GLENNWhy do you keep calling me Zombie Glenn? Why dont you just call me Glenn?
TERRYBecause youre a zombie, Glenn.
GLENNIm still Glenn.
TERRYYoure never going to die, are you?
GLENNYou dont want me to.
TERRYWere in a restaurant. Should I be worried about my brain?
GLENNI told you. Im subsisting mostly on road kill these days.
GLENNIts already dead.
TERRYIs there really enough to get by?
GLENNAre you kidding me? Ever since people started talking on their cell phones while driving, road kill is a growth industry, my friend. Oh, and texting! Texting while driving has been a real boon. The squirrels alone! A veritable buffet of options.
TERRYSo you really dont do humans?
GLENNNot anymore. Not since that city councilman. He had a bad aftertaste. Oh, and the homeless lady. The alcoholic ones are nice, the brains been marinated a little. But humans are too much work.
TERRYWell, thats a relief.
GLENNPlus, since I started working here, the kitchen takes good care of me. The sweetbreads here are to die for.
TERRYNo pun intended.
TERRYWait. You work here?
GLENNThe service was already slow.
GLENNJust a tip for you - itd be a good idea to order your food at the same time I take your drink order. Itll take me a while to get to the kitchen and back. By the time you have your drink, I can go back and pick up your food, itll be just about ready. Times out perfect.
TERRYWhy are you still hanging around?
GLENNIm a zombie.
TERRYBut why are you still hanging around me?
GLENNYoure my friend.
TERRYYou have a [husband/wife]. Had a [husband/wife].
GLENNI just freak [him/her] out.
TERRYYou freak me out.
GLENNBut I make [him/her] think [he/she]s losing [his/her] mind.
TERRYAnd Ive got a better grasp on reality?
GLENNIve hurt [him/her] enough.
TERRYBut not me.
GLENNThats not what I meant.
TERRYWhy did you kill yourself?
GLENNI dont remember.
GLENNIts the one thing you dont take with you. The trigger. The thing that made you do it. I dont know why. Everything before, everything after. Just not that.
TERRYThen whats the good of sticking around?
GLENNYou miss me.
TERRYI missed you for years. I stayed away so the two of you --
TERRYYou could have called.
TERRYI dont mean generally. I mean then. That night. Not just me. Anyone. You were surrounded by people who loved you, who would have dropped anything they were doing, day or night, to run and be with you if things were that bad. You shouldnt have had to go through that alone.
GLENNWe all go through that alone.
TERRYYou wouldnt have had to. From the person who slept next to you in your bed, to your three sisters scattered across the country - who adore you, and are wrecked, by the way - to the dozens and dozens and *dozens* of friends you had in this town. Any of us --
GLENNThats good to hear.
TERRYBut it didnt do you a damn bit of good because part of you must not have believed it.
GLENNIts not anything you did or didnt do, you know. Get over yourself.
GLENNI. dont. remember.
TERRYSo nothing led up to it. It came on you all of a sudden, no warning.
GLENNYou remember what it was like. When we were together. Before I met you, I did things, things happened to me, I let things happen to me. They were still following me around. I never really shook them. One day it sneaks up behind you, taps you on the shoulder, its back.
GLENNWaking up in the middle of the night for no reason, scared of the dark, scared to turn on a light.
TERRYI told you to get help. I begged you to get help.
GLENNAnd I did.
GLENNYou helped me. For a while. You did.
TERRYBut you chose Jordan.
GLENNYup. [He/She] helped me, too.
TERRYFor a while.
GLENNI thought I had it beat. I spent most of my life happy and laughing. And a tiny part of it terrified.
TERRYWere you still hallucinating?
GLENNEvery man before he dies shall see the devil.
TERRYStop pretending its a cute little story you tell. Its not.
GLENNWhy are you so convinced it was a hallucination?
TERRYYou said you saw a demon in your kitchen in the middle of the night.
GLENNYoure a werewolf. Im a zombie. And you still have a problem with the concept of me seeing a demon in my kitchen.
TERRYI just hate the idea of you being alone, and scared, and thinking that was the only way out.
GLENNYou have to let yourself off the hook for this one.
TERRYThere were things I never got over, too, you know.
GLENNI know. I was staying away from you, too, while you were staying away from me.
TERRYShifting gears is hard.
GLENNI did love you, you know. In my way.
TERRYWould have been nice to hear that.
GLENNWhy do you think Im here?
TERRYDamn. Dating just got a whole lot more complicated.
GLENNBut its the 21st century. Youve got the internet on your side.
TERRYOh I know. Already started doing my homework. All kinds of websites. Theres a whole underground community out there. FOW.
TERRYF. O. W. Friends of the Wolf.
GLENNAll wolf, all the time?
TERRYNot all. Some are just willing to take a chance. Theyre not looking to catch it --
GLENNNo bug chasers. Wolf chasers. Dog catchers?
GLENNGot a smile out of you, though.
(pause)God, I miss you.
(pause)So. These people -- ?
TERRYTheyre just not ruling anybody out because of something running through their veins.
TERRYEverybodys gotta find their tribe somehow.
GLENNStill. The wolf thing. Me. Thats a lot of pressure to load on top of a first date.
TERRY looks off in the direction 3 [ROBIN] left.
TERRYRobin. I know that ship has sailed but...
I was just kinda hoping maybe...
TERRY doesnt finish.
GLENNTell you what - Theres a nicer table thats just opened up. Why dont I take you there?
TERRY moves to follow GLENN.
GLENN (contd)You better go on ahead. Its over there, in the corner. You go get settled and Ill be right behind you.
GLENN slowly makes [his/her] way to follow.
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett