I get the feeling they like to imagine themselves like Chekhovs Three Sisters, but most days theyre more like Macbeths.
|From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||TERRY|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||THIRD ACTOR (3)|
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.
Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.
(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)
Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.
In this scene, Terry has a heart to heart with Glenn's frazzled widow(er) Jordan - played by the Third Actor (3).
The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett
3, all in black, now JORDAN, Glenns widow(er) appears. A frazzled, exasperated sort of mourning period. 3 [JORDAN] paces like an animal, followed by TERRY.
3 (JORDAN)I buried [him/her]. I know I buried [him/her]. [He/She]s buried.
TERRYYou did, Jordan. [He/She] is, Jordan.
3 (JORDAN)Of course, I dont mean I personally buried [him/her].
TERRYNo. Of course not.
3 (JORDAN)Someone else did the burying.
3 (JORDAN)Its not my job to dig holes and lower coffins and shovel dirt.
TERRYThere are people, other people, who do that.
3 (JORDAN)But I watched them do it.
I was there.
You were there.
We all were there.
They put [him/her] in a box. They put the box in the ground. They piled the mound of dirt back in and patted it down.
TERRYYou stayed for all that?
I wanted to.
But apparently when someone dies, everyone else gets hungry. So they insist you invite them somewhere so they can eat. And you have to be there. And watch them eat. If youre there so they can feel sorry for you while they eat, that somehow makes it acceptable to still have an appetite.
TERRYI wasnt very hungry that day either.
3 (JORDAN)I know, right?
But I went back.
After everyone was through stuffing their faces and patting me on the back and looking sympathetic, I went back.
And it was done.
Just like any other plot.
Fresher. Needed a little grass seed of course.
But pretty soon itll be like [he/she] was always underground, just like the rest of them.
Harder and harder to find the new tenants in the graveyard. Cant tell from a distance anymore. You have to get up close and look at the stones.
Do you see [him/her], too?
3 (JORDAN)But thats grief, right? Grief screwing with our heads, making us just a little crazy, right? Glenns not actually, I mean, [he/she]s not "
TERRYNo. Not actually.
3 (JORDAN)This isn't a horror movie.
I mean it feels like a horror movie, but it isn't a horror movie.
Death just strolled casually into the middle of something I thought was going just fine.
Nobody burst through the lid of the coffin and clawed their way up through the dirt.
Before - did [he/she] talk to you? Did [he/she] say something?
TERRYI hadnt actually seen [him/her] in "
3 (JORDAN)Im not accusing you of anything.
TERRYOh I know.
3 (JORDAN)You said youd stay away, you stayed away.
3 (JORDAN)Well, I suppose I am accusing you of something, but at this point I dont care about that. Because if [he/she] said something "
TERRYI didnt see [him/her]. [He/She] didnt say anything.
3 (JORDAN)Because if [he/she] did "
TERRYIf [he/she] had, if Id known "
3 (JORDAN)You would have told me, or someone, anyone, it doesnt matter.
TERRYOf course I would have. I wish I had seen [him/her]. That [he/she]d said something. Maybe then "
3 (JORDAN)I just keep playing it over and over in my head, those last months.
But it's not like that movie where the kid sees dead people
and you get to the end and it's like "What? Really?" but you think back on it, and of course they also show it all to you, because they think we're idiots with no short term memory.
But those moments, the key moments.
It looks like the person is there, and they're probably just not really seeing each other.
Ignoring each other.
Like you do.
We don't always see the other person.
We're used to being ignored, to not being heard, even when we're right there.
It doesn't mean you're dead.
It doesn't mean you're on another plane of existence.
It's just the way people are.
I appreciated what you said at the service.
TERRYIt was the least I could do.
3 (JORDAN)Trust me. People have done a lot less.
TERRYIf you ever need anything " I mean, I know people always say that "
3 (JORDAN)Yeah, they say that and then they cant get away from you fast enough.
They look at you like you're next.
Like whatever caused them to do it is coming after you, too.
Like they didn't take it with them.
Like it's infested your life now.
TERRYThats probably exactly the reason [he/she] didnt do it at home.
3 (JORDAN)Right " checks into a hotel, checks out on the rest of us.
Im just so pissed off at [him/her] right now.
Thats why I didnt speak at the service.
I couldnt trust myself not to just start ranting.
TERRYI dont even remember what I said.
3 (JORDAN)It was nice. It was comforting.
TERRYI had the advantage of distance.
You were right on top of it all.
3 (JORDAN)I dont know if I did the right thing.
I dont know what [he/she] wanted.
[His/Her] three sisters all had opinions, of course. None of them the same.
TERRYThey can be a handful.
3 (JORDAN)I get the feeling they like to imagine themselves like Chekhovs Three Sisters, but most days theyre more like Macbeths.
3 (JORDAN)But just as cryptic.
We never talked about it. Glenn and me. What [he/she] wanted.
Talking about it was too much like inviting it into the room with you.
Of course it comes into the room whether you invite it or not.
We forgot that.
3 (JORDAN)I just couldn't bring myself to burn [him/her] into dust.
But we didnt need a box.
I lost my nerve.
Its stupid to seal them up like its a time capsule or something.
Were supposed to go back to the earth.
Skip the formaldehyde, whip out a burlap sack, and you can be nourishing the tree over in the corner of the graveyard like youre supposed to.
I just got the phrase worm food stuck in my head at the time and it freaked me out, so I went for the box.
Now I keep thinking I see [him/her] out of the corner of my eye and I wish theyd sealed the box tighter.
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett