I dont mean it to be horrible. It just never comes out of my mouth in a way that isnt, well, offensive.
|From: How To Date A Werewolf; or, Loneseome, Wild and Blue|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||TERRY|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||GLENN|
|Either||Adult: Any Age||THIRD ACTOR (3)|
If youre a werewolf, dating is hard enough. But when your ex is a zombie who just wont go away, that can complicate matters. A romantic comedy with a supernatural twist, because everybodys a monster a couple of days a month.
Terry has recently been diagnosed with latent lycanthropy - a carrier of the werewolf virus, which can be spread through sexual contact. In a restaurant, Terrys date, Robin, reminds them of Terrys doctor, and a memory of a recent medical appointment. When Robin steps off to the restroom, the waiter arrives. The waiter turns out to be Glenn, the zombie remains of Terrys former lover, who has some unfinished personal business with Terry. But then, Terry has unfinished personal business with Glenn as well.
(This play is written to be non-gender-specific, so the actors could be in any combination of male or female. Adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
Characters may be played by either gender, but should probably either be all male, or all female (bisexuality still seems to confuse people, for some reason)
Feel free to mix things up in terms of race, age, disability, etc. If they're old it means one thing, if they're young it means another.
In this scene, Terry is meeting another potential suitor, Jamie, who they found online through the werewolf dating website, at the restaurant. Zombie Glenn is their waiter.
The full text of How To Date A Werewolf (part of Short Plays, volume 3) and other plays can be purchased at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/matthewaeverett
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett
TERRY turns to the audience.
TERRYWe all turn into monsters a couple of days of month.
All of us.
Men, women, doesnt matter.
We all go feral. Drop the act. Strike out.
Were not fit company for anyone.
I just have to go into lockdown so I dont kill anyone.But were all monsters.
No ones immune.
Unless someone else casts the right spell.
GLENN is back in zombie waiter mode.
3 returns, this time as JAMIE, another potential suitor, wearing a sad disheveled hat.
TERRY (contd)So, Jamie, youre not a werewolf yourself?
TERRYWhat drew you to the Friends of the Wolf website?
3 (JAMIE)Its going to sound horrible.
TERRYWell now you have to tell me.
3 (JAMIE)I dont mean it to be horrible. It just never comes out of my mouth in a way that isnt, well, offensive.
TERRYIm not easily offended. Believe me, since I found out about the virus, its been challenging just to get people to return an e-mail or a phone call. Ive developed up a very thick skin.
3 (JAMIE)How long has it been since... ?
3 (JAMIE)You know.
TERRYOh. Longer than Id care to admit.
3 (JAMIE)Me, too.
TERRYWell, see, there we have something in common already.
3 (JAMIE)Not something to be proud of.
TERRYNo, but not something to be ashamed of either.
3 (JAMIE)I was out for dinner the other night, and the [waiter/waitress] put [his/her] hand on my shoulder. Just briefly. I think I thanked [him/her] for refilling my water glass. I get nervous in service situations. Being waited on just seems so... weird sometimes. I mean, I know people need jobs, and a lot of people really like doing that kind of work, interacting with people, filling their basic needs like eating and shopping and car repair and --
TERRYThe status thing.
3 (JAMIE)Right. And [he/she] places [his/her] hand on my shoulder, and it just shoots through me. Im suddenly acutely aware of the fact that its been ages since anybody touched me. And Im overwhelmed by this feeling of God, I miss that. I miss that so much. But [he/she]s just working and it wasnt sexual, there wasnt any intent beyond thank you/youre welcome, but...
TERRYGod, I miss that.
TERRYThat isnt horrible at all.
3 (JAMIE)I figured youd understand. I mean, since the werewolf diagnosis, Im sure people shy away from touching you.
3 (JAMIE)See, I dont have the werewolf excuse. It just doesnt happen. Theres something about me.
TERRYIm sure thats not --
3 (JAMIE)But if the only common denominator in your failed attempts at socialization is you, at a certain point youve got to look in the mirror and stop blaming everybody else and consider the possibility that maybe theres something wrong with you.
3 (JAMIE)So I thought maybe I should set my sights lower, you know? Look for people who were even more desperate than I am, people who would look at me as a step up. Sure theres a danger in dating a werewolf, but hey, for a change Id be the normal one in the relationship, right?
TERRYIt does sound horrible.
GLENN clamps a hand down on 3 (JAMIE)s shoulder.
3 (JAMIE) runs screaming for the nearest exit.
TERRYYoure a very useful wingman.
GLENNYeah, well, I didnt convert from dead to undead just to help you get a date. That cant be my great cosmic purpose.
TERRYI know, I know, its not about me.
GLENNHave they all been like this?
TERRYEnough that I started coming here again so Id have you as backup, yeah.
TERRYTell me about it.
Copyright 2013 by Matthew A. Everett