"I don't even really need to say much, do I? I can just stand here, look at you, and your conscience is bound to kick in at some point. Right?"
Diana is trying to diffuse an awkward situation at the same time that her friend Harris is trying to convince her that it is a situation she doesn't need to be in. Diana is a closeted lesbian who has not yet come out to her friend Isobel, a girl whom she met both in church and college classes they share, and on whom Diana harbors a crush. Harris is Diana's flamboyantly gay male friend who knows and loves her for who she is. Harris wants Diana to come out because he thinks it will make her happier. Diana is concerned that Harris' natural flamboyance will tip her friend Isobel off to Diana's sexuality - guilt by association - before she's ready to come out, if indeed that's what she decides to do. Consequently, Diana has not spoken of Harris to Isobel at all, but has told Harris much about Isobel. They have all just run into one another at the mall, and this discrepancy has become obvious. Harris has taken Diana aside to speak with her. Another wrinkle on the situation is that Harris' friend Spencer is working at the mall, walking around in a dog outfit based on Skippy the Wonder Dog, a popular cartoon character. Spencer is not allowed to speak while in the Skippy outfit, something else about his presence which is unsettling to Diana and Isobel. (Spencer can be excised from this scene for acting class purposes, since he has no lines, but his silent presence might add something to the beginning of the scene, as the dog outfit and his required silence is symbolic of the way Diana is hiding part of herself).
The full script is available at
part of Matthew's online script store
copyright 2001 by Matthew A. Everett
DIANA drags HARRIS who in turn drags SPENCER away from ISOBEL. Once they're at a safe distance, HARRIS and SPENCER just stand side by side looking at DIANA.
HARRISI don't even really need to say much, do I? I can just stand here, look at you, and your conscience is bound to kick in at some point. Right?
DIANA is freaked by SPENCER in the dog suit standing next to her.
DIANA (cont'd)Look, do we have to do this in front of the dog?
HARRISIt's just Skippy.
DIANAAnd I should care because -- ?
HARRISDidn't you watch cartoons as a kid?
DIANAMy parents didn't let me watch much other than Sesame Street.
DIANAI never liked clowns much as a kid.
HARRISWell, neither did I, until I learned the size of a man's feet correlates to the size of his --
DIANACould we lose Fuzzy, please?
HARRISSkippy. And he's not a clown. He's just not supposed to speak.
HARRISDogs. Unconditional love. Humans could learn a thing or two.
DIANAI'm serious, he's creeping me out.
HARRISIt's my friend Spencer.
SPENCER swats HARRIS with a paw.
HARRIS (cont'd)-- not that I'm supposed to know that.
SPENCER swats HARRIS again.
HARRIS (cont'd)-- or share it with anyone. He knows everything. Which, need I mention, is a hell of a lot more than your new best friend Isobel knows about me. Or you.
SPENCER nods for DIANA's benefit.
DIANACould he ditch the head at least?
HARRISHe's forbidden to remove the headgear while on duty.
SPENCER shrugs for DIANA.
DIANALook, no offense but could you go keep my friend Isobel company for a minute? Thanks.
DIANA shoves SPENCER in ISOBEL's direction and drags HARRIS further away.
HARRISYou could do so much better.
HARRISGay, for starters.
DIANAThey're not exactly lining up at my door, you know.
HARRISWell, you're not exactly advertising, now are you?
DIANAShe's a good friend.
HARRISBetter friend than you. At least she's shared her entire self with you.
DIANAI'm sure I don't know everything about her.
HARRISWell, you don't have men in common, you know that about her. She know that about you?
DIANAThat's just a part of me.
HARRISA part that colors the way you look at the rest of the world.
DIANAI didn't say it wasn't important.
HARRISJust not important enough to share with her. Or is it that she's not important enough to share it with.
DIANANo, of course not.
HARRISOh, that's right. It's your gay friends that aren't important. You tell everybody about your straight ones.
HARRISDon't worry. She can't hear us.
DIANAThat's not why.
HARRISForgive me for wanting to get a little of my own back. Call me petty.
DIANAShe and I share the same set of beliefs. That's important to me.
HARRISYou're interested in a lot more than her soul and we both know that.
DIANAI wouldn't expect you to understand this.
HARRISBoy, you really think the world of me, don't you?
DIANAI didn't mean --
HARRISI believe in God, Diana. I just don't believe in this.
DIANAThis -- ?
HARRISThis hiding. Sorting people into categories based on what they already know and what you think they can handle.
She's not lobotomized. She's gonna figure it out a lot sooner than you're ready to tell her. And then she's gonna be mad.
HARRISThat you lied to her.
DIANAI'm not lying.
HARRISSince when does not telling the whole truth not constitute lying?
DIANALike you're one to talk to anyone about not falling for straights.
HARRISI freely admit to befriending straight men to get 95 percent of what I need as far as intimacy goes. But I'm still out looking for that other 5 percent. And I'm not kidding myself that it's going to come from them. Heck, I normally end up setting them up with their next girlfriend.
HARRISSex is so beside the point.
DIANAFor you maybe.
HARRISWell, maybe if you had the guts to go out and actually get some. Instead, you're willing to pine and waste away like there's something romantic about it. It's just sad and lonely and pathetic - and completely unnecessary. There are plenty of women out there who --
DIANAWhere do I find them?
HARRISMaybe if you were more comfortable and open with yourself, they'd find you.
Faith in God, but no faith in people.
DIANAJust for now, could you tone down the -- the fluttering, and the --
HARRISThis is beneath you.
HARRISAnd it's way beneath me.
HARRISI won't go back in the closet for my parents, or an uneasy potential boyfriend, but I'm supposed to do it for you? Not even you, for a friend of yours.
DIANAJust for a minute, half a minute, then we're gone.
(pause)OK. This once. And only for you.
HARRISDon't thank me yet. There's a condition attached.
DIANAAside from never asking you to do this again.
HARRISAside from that, yes.
HARRISThink about what you're doing. College is a dry run for adulthood. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this - juggling? "This person knows, this person doesn't"? Ducking and hiding half the time? I think you deserve better than that. I wish you did.
copyright 2001 by Matthew A. Everett