Scene Detail
"The doctor told you not to anthropomorphize."
| From: Touched By A Handbag (or Highway To Handbag) | | 3 Characters |
| Gender |
Age |
Character Name |
| Either |
Adult: Any Age |
HANDBAG |
| Female |
20's |
PAULINA |
| Female |
50's |
EDWINA |
Setup:
This is the beginning of the play. Read on...
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The full text of "Touched By A Handbag" and its related plays, including "Dog Tag," are available for purchase as part of "Theatre Unbound's 24 Hour Play Project, Selected Plays, Volume 1" (in hard copy or download form) at
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/24-hour-play-project-volume-1/4941815
All proceeds from the sale of the "24 Hour Play" books go to support the work of Theatre Unbound - www.theatreunbound.com
Part of Matthew's online script store
http://stores.lulu.com/matthewaeverett
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Scenecopyright 2005 Anne Bertram & Matthew A. Everett
TOUCHED BY A HANDBAG
AT RISE:
An actress sits on stage with a sparkling purple handbag in her lap.
Enter EDWINA, PAULINA’s hand in the crook of her arm. They walk slowly, circling the perimeter of the stage. PAULINA takes in their surroundings, wonderingly.
EDWINA
I put the flannel sheets on your bed, but otherwise I kept everything just the same. Cleaned it, of course. I clean it every week. Just vacuum and dust, I don’t move anything around. It’s all ready for you.
The crocuses are in bloom out in front. The yellow ones?
You got a beautiful day. It’s a beautiful day.
It’ll be so good to have you home, sugar.
PAULINA sees the handbag and moves toward it.
EDWINA (cont’d)
What - ?
No, sugar. You don’t want that. Come on, let’s go home.
PAULINA makes another feint toward the bag.
EDWINA (cont’d)
You don’t want that. You don’t know where that’s been. It’s just a nasty old handbag someone left in the street. It could be dangerous. It could be full of germs. It could be full of...dope, it could have - I don’t know, anthrax - sugar, there could be a bomb in there YOU DON’T WANT IT.
PAULINA
There’s no need to worry, mama. It looks just like the handbag you had back when I was a little girl.
EDWINA
I never. It’s PURPLE. I never had a handbag looked anything like that.
PAULINA
You did so. With a pocket on the outside, just like that.
EDWINA
Nasty old thing. We’ll order a pizza for lunch when we get home. What do you think about that? Shrimp and pineapple. Anything you want.
PAULINA
It used to tell me I was the prettiest girl in the world.
EDWINA
That was a long time ago. You’re done with that now.
PAULINA
It was friendly.
EDWINA
The doctor told you not to anthropomorphize.
HANDBAG
Enough with the four-bit words.
PAULINA
Hello!
EDWINA
Oh Lord, she’s slipped her tether.
HANDBAG
HEY. Edwina.
EDWINA
So have I.
HANDBAG
You’re perfectly fine and so is she. Nothing wrong with talking to your accessories now and again.
PAULINA
Where have you been all this time?
HANDBAG
Well, I bounced from garage sale to garage sale for a while. Then I spent some time in the costume stock room of a local community theater. All that, you’ll pardon the expression, acting. I finally had to make a break for it. Ah, sweet freedom! I see you just got sprung yourself.
PAULINA
You haven’t changed.
EDWINA
Stop talking to my daughter like that.
HANDBAG
And your mother hasn’t changed either, I see.
EDWINA
Stop talking at all. Handbags don’t talk.
HANDBAG
Well, then who exactly are you arguing with right now?
EDWINA
Let’s go, honey. This is not the way to celebrate your first five minutes out of the hospital.
HANDBAG
You call pizza celebrating?
EDWINA
I’m only thinking of Paulina, what she wants.
HANDBAG
Maybe she wants to talk to me.
EDWINA
Grown women don’t have imaginary friends. It’s not seemly.
HANDBAG
Where do you get this stuff? Imaginary friends beats no friends at all anyday.
PAULINA
Mother, I’m right here.
EDWINA
Are you?
PAULINA
Let’s take her with us.
EDWINA tries to hustle PAULINA away from the handbag.
PAULINA (cont’d)
She’s had a hard life. Don’t you want to come back home with us?
HANDBAG
Oh yeah. Back home with Mrs. Flannel Sheets. Big whoop.
PAULINA
But no productions of “Inherit the Wind.”
HANDBAG
Good point.
PAULINA
So you’ll come with us.
EDWINA
It will not.
HANDBAG
I will not. You come with me, sweetie. I’ll show you what it means to live.
EDWINA
Haven’t you done enough damage already? You, and the singing toaster, and the dancing blender, and those glow in the dark sneakers?!
HANDBAG
Look into my tiny mirror, Edwina. What do you see?
EDWINA
It’s cracked.
HANDBAG
But my seven years of bad luck are long since past. C’mon, Eddie. Take a good look. Look at your daugther. What kind of world do you want to live in?
EDWINA
This is ridiculous.
PAULINA looks into HANDBAG’s mirror.
HANDBAG
Looky here! The prettiest girl in the world.
EDWINA
STOP IT. Don’t encourage her. Paulina. Sugar. Don’t listen.
PAULINA
You don’t think I’m pretty.
EDWINA
Of course you are. You don’t need a handbag to tell you that.
PAULINA
I’ve only ever had a handbag tell me that.
EDWINA
You’re lovely. A lovely girl. A lot of people could see it if you didn’t waste all your affection on inanimate objects.
HANDBAG
Holy hannah. Blow out your candles, Laura. I’ve been in way too many productions of “The Glass Menagerie,” too, you know.
EDWINA
Then you know a mother has to look out for her daughter.
HANDBAG
Maybe she’s not crazy. Maybe she’s just different.
EDWINA
The world doesn’t tolerate different. It never did. And nowadays, it tolerates it less and less.
HANDBAG
So? That’s the world’s problem, isn’t it? Why make it yours? Or hers?
EDWINA
Five minutes out of the psych ward and my daughter and I start talking to a handbag on the side of the road. The world isn’t the problem at the moment. You are.
HANDBAG
I can let go of her. Can you?
EDWINA
I am not negotiating with a faux leather purse.
HANDBAG
Faux leather, my ass. Like that’s your real hair color.
EDWINA
I am not fighting a PLASTIC PURSE for custody of my daughter.
PAULINA
I’m right here.
HANDBAG
I’ve got a lucky penny in my zippered pouch and a zipper that just won’t quit. What do you have to offer? Fear? Judgment?
EDWINA
That lucky penny won’t get you as far as the end of the next block.
HANDBAG
That lucky penny has gotten me a lot farther than either of you have ever gone.
EDWINA
I am not listening to inspirational speeches from a cast off --
HANDBAG
Oh, I’m a cast-off? That’s rich.
EDWINA
Wrinkled -- !
HANDBAG
Dried up -- !
EDWINA
Well beyond last year’s model -- !
HANDBAG
Right back at you, sister!
EDWINA and HANDBAG
You old bag!
PAULINA
Maybe I should leave the two of you alone to work this out.
HANDBAG
You wanna piece of me? Huh? Give it your best shot, Eddie!
EDWINA
Why, I never -- !
EDWINA makes a move for the handbag. HANDBAG snaps at her hand.
HANDBAG
Hmmm...I’d say it tastes like lady fingers. But there are no ladies present. Tastes more like...fishsticks. Ones that have been in the freezer too long!
EDWINA
Oh, you mean the freezer that periodically presented us with a terrifying fascimile of the Northern Lights in miniature? That freezer? I replaced it!
HANDBAG
(gasps!)
EDWINA
I should have done it long ago. The same time I kicked you to the curb, you falsehood-spewing piece of --
HANDBAG
How can you help your daughter face the world if you can’t even face yourself?
EDWINA
THAT’S IT!
(there's more, but the conclusion of the story isn't available for viewing on this website)
copyright 2005 Anne Bertram & Matthew A. Everett
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