How I Turned Into a Dog (Studpuppy)

THE SET UP

Spencer is a young gay man in his late teens/early twenties, who works his way through college by walking around a local mall in a dog outfit, based on a popular cartoon character.  Over the course of this monologue, he is standing next to someone else in the dog outfit, who he helps out of the costume, and then puts the costume on himself.  When in the dog suit, one cannot talk, so the monologue could simply be done completely to the audience with the dog suit hanging on a rack or a hook that the actor just puts on by himself.  The last item to put on is the dog head.  Once that goes on and the transformation is complete, Spencer is silent.

“So here’s the story of how I turned into a dog.”

SPENCER

So here’s the story of how I turned into a dog.

Yeah, that’s me under there.  Or it will be.

So, how I turned into a dog.

I told my parents I was gay.

“Not under my roof, young man.”

So I got out from under their roof as often as possible.

We’ll pass over my level of popularity with certain members of the track and wrestling teams for the moment, because, hey, this is all about not playing into stereotypes, right?  Skip “who,” move on to “where” – public parks, restrooms and changing rooms at the local mall, and once, even the back room of a pet store.

No, that’s not how.

But, for the record, animals like to watch.

The ‘rents did a fine job of avoiding the subject and I did a fair job of not rubbing their faces in it throughout my waning years in high school.  Then came time for college.

My dad wasn’t particularly interested in paying for another roof over my head that he had little or no control over.

I wasn’t particularly interested in lying to him or my mother anymore: “Yes, I’m going to college, in part, to become an adult.  A gay adult.”

Dad said he wasn’t going to pay for it.

Mom said nothing.

So I said I’d pay for it.

I spent the rest of the summer sleeping in my friend Jeremy’s basement.  His parents are bleeding heart liberals who like to have something to show off at parties.  I was “Exhibit A” at their Fourth of July cookout.

FYI – Jeremy’s cousin Bink is a good kisser, if you ever get out that way.  And I’m sure he doesn’t always taste like barbecue sauce.

So I pretty much did anything to earn money.

Almost anything.  Waiting tables, mowing lawns, baby-sitting.

Yes, they trusted me with children.

I got accepted by a number of fine institutions of higher learning.  I chose the one as far away from home as I could get.  I don’t miss my parents. 

Really.

I call home when I have the money.  And sometimes when I don’t.  Mom accepts the charges if she answers.  Dad hangs up.

It’s just homesickness.  I’ll get over it.

(photo: 2001 production by Allegheny College; Jeffrey Simpson as Spencer)