THE SETUP
Cian has just told his brother Vincent that their late friend Byron held on to an unrequited love for Vincent right up until his death, but didn’t share that with Vincent for fear it would drive Vincent away.
(The full scene which includes this monologue is also available for viewing: “Part of My Life that You Can’t Get At”)
“I almost feel like I have to apologize for it sometimes, liking women.”
VINCENT
I could never hate him. Do you think he knew that? I could never hate him. But I couldn’t love him, not that way. I mean,
when it comes right down to it. The nitty gritty. The dirty deed. I need to have a woman. And my whole life has been so weird — because of you two, I almost feel like I have to apologize for it sometimes, liking women.
I suppose I should be relieved that we don’t have any kind of competition. I mean, we’re fishing in different lakes. I don’t know. Maybe sometimes I wish we were all — that the three of us had been, you know — all in the same boat. Even with all the difficulties. Just to be in the same boat. Just to be there and not need to translate or explain away the differences or say anything — just be. Together.
(PAUSE)
I sometimes wish I’d been able to, you know?
I mean, everybody was already wondering, right? Byron is. Cian is. Everybody’s wondering if Vince is, too. Only natural. Guilt by association. Suspicious of the sleepovers when he and I were kids. Like maybe I did something that caused him to be — even though we know it’s stupid, or should know it’s stupid, we can’t help it. Wondering. Even me.
I often told him, “If you were a woman, you’d be perfect.”
And you thought God didn’t have a sense of humor.
I can’t help it. I need a woman. It’s just the way I’m wired. Why do I feel like I let him down?
Maybe if I’d been able to love him back. To be with him. Maybe I could have kept him safe. Maybe I could have saved him. Maybe.
Hell, who am I kidding? It’s happening all over again. You’re not even letting me save you.
(photo: 1997-1998 production by The Subterranean Theatre Company (Los Angeles, CA); Doug Sutherland as Cian, Mark Vanslow as Byron, and Tom Sonnek as Vincent)
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