THE SET UP
Diana is trying to diffuse an awkward situation at the same time that her friend Harris is trying to convince her that it is a situation she doesn’t need to be in. Diana is a closeted lesbian who has not yet come out to her friend Isobel, a girl whom she met both in church and college classes they share, and on whom Diana harbors a crush. Harris is Diana’s flamboyantly gay male friend who knows and loves her for who she is. Harris wants Diana to come out because he thinks it will make her happier. Diana is concerned that Harris’ natural flamboyance will tip her friend Isobel off to Diana’s sexuality – guilt by association – before she’s ready to come out, if indeed that’s what she decides to do. Consequently, Diana has not spoken of Harris to Isobel at all, but has told Harris much about Isobel. They have all just run into one another at the mall, and this discrepancy has become obvious. Harris has taken Diana aside to speak with her. Another wrinkle on the situation is that Harris’ friend Spencer is working at the mall, walking around in a dog outfit based on a popular cartoon character. Spencer is not allowed to speak, something else about his presence which is unsettling to Diana and Isobel. (Spencer can be excised from this scene for acting class purposes, since he has no lines, but his silent presence might add something to the beginning of the scene, as the dog outfit and his required silence is symbolic of the way Diana is hiding part of herself).
“I don’t even really need to say much, do I? I can just stand here, look at you, and your conscience is bound to kick in at some point. Right?”
DIANA drags HARRIS who in turn drags SPENCER away from ISOBEL. Once they’re at a safe distance, HARRIS and SPENCER just stand side by side looking at DIANA.
HARRIS
I don’t even really need to say much, do I? I can just stand here, look at you, and your conscience is bound to kick in at some point. Right?
DIANA is freaked by SPENCER in the dog suit standing next to her.
DIANA
Look, do we have to do this in front of the dog?
HARRIS
It’s just Skippy.
DIANA
And I should care because — ?
HARRIS
Didn’t you watch cartoons as a kid?
DIANA
My parents didn’t let me watch much other than Sesame Street.
HARRIS
Philistines.
DIANA
I never liked clowns much as a kid.
HARRIS
Well, neither did I, until I learned the size of a man’s feet correlates to the size of his —
DIANA
Could we lose Fuzzy, please?
HARRIS
Skippy. And he’s not a clown. He’s just not supposed to speak.
DIANA
Whatever.
HARRIS
Dogs. Unconditional love. Humans could learn a thing or two.
DIANA
I’m serious, he’s creeping me out.
HARRIS
It’s my friend Spencer.
SPENCER swats HARRIS with a paw.
HARRIS (cont’d)
— not that I’m supposed to know that.
SPENCER swats HARRIS again.
HARRIS (cont’d)
— or share it with anyone. He knows everything. Which, need I mention, is a hell of a lot more than your new best friend Isobel knows about me. Or you.
SPENCER nods for DIANA’s benefit.
DIANA
Could he ditch the head at least?
HARRIS
He’s forbidden to remove the headgear while on duty.
SPENCER shrugs for DIANA.
DIANA
Look, no offense but could you go keep my friend Isobel company for a minute? Thanks.
DIANA shoves SPENCER in ISOBEL’s direction and drags HARRIS further away.
HARRIS
You could do so much better.
DIANA
How?
HARRIS
Gay, for starters.
DIANA
They’re not exactly lining up at my door, you know.
HARRIS
Well, you’re not exactly advertising, now are you?
DIANA
She’s a good friend.
HARRIS
Better friend than you. At least she’s shared her entire self with you.
DIANA
I’m sure I don’t know everything about her.
HARRIS
Well, you don’t have men in common, you know that about her. She know that about you?
DIANA
That’s just a part of me.
HARRIS
A part that colors the way you look at the rest of the world.
DIANA
I didn’t say it wasn’t important.
HARRIS
Just not important enough to share with her. Or is it that she’s not important enough to share it with.
DIANA
No, of course not.
HARRIS
Oh, that’s right. It’s your gay friends that aren’t important. You tell everybody about your straight ones.
DIANA
Stop it.
HARRIS
Don’t worry. She can’t hear us.
DIANA
That’s not why.
HARRIS
Forgive me for wanting to get a little of my own back. Call me petty.
DIANA
She and I share the same set of beliefs. That’s important to me.
HARRIS
You’re interested in a lot more than her soul and we both know that.
DIANA
I wouldn’t expect you to understand this.
HARRIS
Boy, you really think the world of me, don’t you?
DIANA
I didn’t mean —
HARRIS
I believe in God, Diana. I just don’t believe in this.
DIANA
This — ?
HARRIS
This hiding. Sorting people into categories based on what they already know and what you think they can handle.
She’s not lobotomized. She’s gonna figure it out a lot sooner than you’re ready to tell her. And then she’s gonna be mad.
DIANA
Mad?
HARRIS
That you lied to her.
DIANA
I’m not lying.
HARRIS
Since when does not telling the whole truth not constitute lying?
DIANA
Like you’re one to talk to anyone about not falling for straights.
HARRIS
I freely admit to befriending straight men to get 95% of what I need as far as intimacy goes. But I’m still out looking for that other 5%. And I’m not kidding myself that it’s going to come from them. Heck, I normally end up setting them up with their next girlfriend.
DIANA
5%?
HARRIS
20%?
DIANA
Try 50-50.
HARRIS
Sex is so beside the point.
DIANA
For you maybe.
HARRIS
Well, maybe if you had the guts to go out and actually get some. Instead, you’re willing to pine and waste away like there’s something romantic about it. It’s just sad and lonely and pathetic – and completely unnecessary. There are plenty of women out there who —
DIANA
Where do I find them?
HARRIS
Maybe if you were more comfortable and open with yourself, they’d find you.
Faith in God, but no faith in people.
DIANA
Just for now, could you tone down the– the fluttering, and the —
HARRIS
This is beneath you.
DIANA
Harris.
HARRIS
And it’s way beneath me.
DIANA
Please.
HARRIS
I won’t go back in the closet for my parents, or an uneasy potential boyfriend, but I’m supposed to do it for you? Not even you, for a friend of yours.
DIANA
Just for a minute, half a minute, then we’re gone.
HARRIS
(pause)
OK. This once. And only for you.
DIANA
Thank you.
HARRIS
Don’t thank me yet. There’s a condition attached.
DIANA
Aside from never asking you to do this again.
HARRIS
Aside from that, yes.
DIANA
Name it.
HARRIS
Think about what you’re doing. College is a dry run for adulthood. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this – juggling? “This person knows, this person doesn’t”? Ducking and hiding half the time? I think you deserve better than that. I wish you did.
(photo: 2004 production by Edinboro University of Pennsylvania (Edinboro, PA); l-r, Alicia Rutkowski as Diana; Zach Shelly as Harris)
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