THE SET UP
Diana is a closeted lesbian who has not yet come out to her friend Isobel, a girl whom she met both in church and college classes they share, and on whom Diana harbors a crush. Diana finds it hard to watch Isobel relate to her high-school friend Linc. Linc is openly gay. Isobel knows this, but is still carrying a torch for him, though she’d be the first to deny it. The two young women are out shopping at the local mall.
“That’s what you go by – ‘what feels right’? Feels right on the outside or the inside? What works for the skin isn’t always good for the heart or the head.”
The light returns to normal and emphasis shifts to DIANA and ISOBEL, trying on shoes. A rolling display module, with shoes mounted on it, and in shoe boxes can serve to set the scene.
ISOBEL
Do you think God regrets giving us free will?
DIANA
I know a lot of days, I regret it. Too many decisions, too many ways to screw up.
ISOBEL
But God wouldn’t have given us a brain if She didn’t want us to use it.
DIANA
So we’re calling God a She today?
ISOBEL
Yeah. Why?
DIANA
I just need to start using a pronoun. If I use the word God every time, I feel like I’m swearing. And we’re alternating every day this week, why again?
ISOBEL
Because calling God a He all the time is sexist, calling God She all the time makes Her a Goddess, and I’m not comfortable with that yet; alternating daily is better than during the same day —
DIANA
— or the same sentence —
ISOBEL
— because that just gets confusing.
DIANA
And why aren’t we trying “it”?
ISOBEL
I just don’t think it’s polite to call God an it.
DIANA
So She gives us a brain and a heart, and wants us to use them, but isn’t that the way we get into the most trouble?
ISOBEL
We can, sure, but if God had total mind control —
DIANA
We wouldn’t be making a conscious choice to come to him — er, her. See, this is why I envy the Catholics.
ISOBEL
You’re kidding, right?
DIANA
So they’ve got the Pope and confession and guilt and five million rules, but at least they know where they stand.
They’ve got a formula – a few “Hail Mary’s,” a few “Our Father’s” —
ISOBEL
It’s not that simple.
DIANA
But it sure looks that way from the outside sometimes, doesn’t it? Come on, admit it. What do we Baptists get? No Latin, no pageantry. No infant baptism.
ISOBEL
You want infant baptism?
DIANA
Well, look what we get.
ISOBEL
We get to decide whether or not we want to join the church. We don’t have the whole thing decided for us before we can crawl or say our first word.
DIANA
They still have First Confession, Holy Communion, and Confirmation. Us, they save it all up for one event where we get a full immersion dunking in front of the entire congregation at the precise moment we’re most insecure about our bodies.
ISOBEL
OK, you got me there.
DIANA
How was the water in your baptismal?
ISOBEL
Lukewarm. Yours?
DIANA
Tepid. In the middle of the ceremony, did you feel like you had to pee?
ISOBEL
I was standing chest deep in lukewarm water, what do you think?
DIANA
Stage fright always goes for my bladder first.
ISOBEL
I nearly missed the pastor’s cue for my part of the ceremony. I was just standing there, distracted, thinking, “This is it. If I pee here, I’m going straight to hell.”
DIANA
Infant baptism. If you pee during the ceremony, nobody holds it against you.
ISOBEL
Did you feel any different after the baptism was over?
DIANA
No, not really. You?
ISOBEL
No. Did you feel cheated?
DIANA
Not really. They walk you very carefully through the whole thing. No mystery left. I wasn’t expecting much.
ISOBEL
Everything goes on. Only it gets harder because you have to keep it a secret.
DIANA
What do you mean?
ISOBEL
You don’t dare tell your friends in junior high.
DIANA
It’s like saying you still believe in Santa Claus.
ISOBEL
Exactly. That’s why I felt cheated. It was this great thing and I didn’t feel like I could share it with anyone, you know.
DIANA
Yeah, I can remember feeling that way about — things.
ISOBEL
That’s why it was such a relief to meet you.
DIANA
Yeah. You, too.
ISOBEL
Could somebody please explain to me why religion is so embarrassing? I mean, after a certain age, as soon as you’re considered old enough to be able to make your own decisions, when you’re no longer supposed to allow your mother to hug you in front of witnesses unless it’s under protest, suddenly, if you still go to church, willingly, if you still believe in any type of God, any kind of tradition, you must be simple-minded. You’re obviously not using your whole brain, you’re not skeptical or questioning enough to be considered an adult, or at least not an interesting one. When did I suddenly become everyone’s intolerant, humorless, half-witted Sunday School teacher? I didn’t sign up for that.
DIANA
But there have to be some standards. Protestants have such a laid-back attitude to sin, it’s like there’s no guidelines, no accountability, no consequences.
ISOBEL
You want to be punished for your mistakes?
DIANA
I want to know what they are, so I can avoid making them in the first place. But no one wants to talk about the rules.
ISOBEL
Love people, don’t hurt them if you can possibly avoid it without being dishonest.
DIANA
But what’s the right way to do that?
ISOBEL
Depends on you, depends on the other person.
DIANA
See, that’s maddening. That tells me absolutely nothing. I don’t know what to do with something as nebulous as that.
ISOBEL
Yes, you do.
DIANA
You’re inside my head now?
ISOBEL
What feels right?
DIANA
That’s what you go by – “what feels right”? Feels right on the outside or the inside? What works for the skin isn’t always good for the heart or the head.
ISOBEL
So it’s not good for you overall – and you teach your skin to wait for the right things to come along.
DIANA
Easier said…
ISOBEL
Did I say it was easy?
DIANA
So what are you teaching your skin lately?
ISOBEL
Not much of anything, now that you mention it.
DIANA
Too busy fighting with Linc?
ISOBEL
Why don’t you like him?
DIANA
He makes you unhappy.
ISOBEL
He just frustrates me.
DIANA
Oh really.
ISOBEL
Purely an intellectual exercise.
DIANA
I don’t buy that for a second. You wouldn’t fight so hard or keep going back for more if he didn’t mean something to you.
ISOBEL
He’s giving up on everyone and everything he used to know.
DIANA
Since he came out?
ISOBEL
It’s not about his being gay.
DIANA gives ISOBEL a look.
ISOBEL (cont’d)
It’s not.
He’s just so unhappy right now. And all of the things and all of the people that used to help —
DIANA
You.
ISOBEL
And his brother. And that boyfriend of his.
DIANA
Who is the problem.
ISOBEL
All the things and people that used to comfort him, he’s pushing us all away, like we’re all responsible, like we all don’t understand. Like if he just shed us all, his old life, like a skin…
DIANA
And what better place to do it than college…
ISOBEL
Somehow that solves the problem. No reminders, clean slate.
DIANA
And you’re not ready to let him go yet.
ISOBEL
I don’t think it works the way he thinks it will. And I want him to know that we’re all still trying, and we’ll all still be here.
DIANA
When he comes to his senses.
ISOBEL
You really think I’m trying to lure him back?
DIANA
I think you wouldn’t mind.
ISOBEL
I know better.
DIANA
Yeah, but that’s your head. What’s your skin telling you?
(photo: 2004 production by Edinboro University of Pennsylvania (Edinboro, PA); l-r, Jessica Surdyk as Isobel, and Alicia Rutkowski as Diana)
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